Who Am I?

Who Am I? That’s a question that I often find myself asking. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m not exactly sure of the answer. I often analyze my life searching for the answer. As of this moment, I’ve decided to live and walk in my truth! I am a woman, I’m a mother, I’m a daughter, I’m a friend, I’m a sister, I’m a niece, I’m a cousin, I’m a student, I’m a teacher, I’m a supervisor, I’m a nurse, I’m a counselor, I’m a secretary, I’m a writer, I’m an over thinker, I’m an advocate, I’m a dreamer, I’m a foster child, I’m a product of physical, emotional, and sexual child abuse. I’m a product of child abandonment, I’ve made hundreds of mistakes, I’m a woman who once desired acceptance, But God chose me to stand out rather than blend in. I’m a woman in the world but not of the world. But at times, I find myself living in fear. With anxiety of what others think of me. I’m an over comer, I’m victorious, I’m a believer. But at times I find myself lost in this cruel wicked world. I worked with children. Mostly those of who remind me of myself as a child. I desire to be a motivational speaker and an author some day. I desire to go back to school. I’m a witness, I’m anointed, I’m Holy ghost filled. But at times, I backslide because my flesh overtakes my spirit. I’m a mother who has faced financial struggle often. Sacrifice is second nature to me. As a child in the foster care system, I went 3 years without heat and hot water in Chicago. My caseworker didn’t report it because he was too busy sleeping with my caregiver. I went through puberty without essential sanitary needs, like deodorant and pads. I was talked about as a child because of my hygiene. I remember living in Chicago, for years, the only hot meal I recieved was from school. I was looked down on and mistreated. I’ve been shunned by the people I loved the most. I’ve told my hopes and dreams to those I trusted in and they laughed in my face and told me to get a grip on life. They told me I was dreaming too big and a girl like me could never make it. I was told that I would be nothing but a crack head like my mother. And it’s funny how life works, because as the years went by, that same person turned out exactly like my mother. I Know God has a high call on my life. Truth is, I’ve had to sacrifice my meals at times in order for my children to not be hungry. Though I’ve had food stamps, I can recall a time where I had to sell some to pay my light bill and purchase necessities for my children. I only watch the news a few times a month due to negativity and depressing energy entering into my spirit. I have to protect my spirit at all costs. Even if it includes going into complete solitude from everyone and everything. Often times, I find myself closed off from everyone except God. I often find myself praying for the people in the world. Whether it’s the mailman, or the judge, or the prisoner, or the racist hearts, or children who are orphans, or the bully or the doctor, or the hungry, or the homeless, or the president, or my neighbors, or the clerk at the local family dollar, or the patient at the clinic, or the sister whose battling generational demons that she knows nothing about. Or the prostitutes walking down Martin Luther King, Or the drug addict, or the alcoholic, or those battling with mental health, or cancer, or diabetes, or even those like myself who often fight the battle between my flesh and my spirit. I am a Godly woman. I love nature, trees, flowers, waters, animals, walks in the park. It brings me peace. I hold doors for not only the elderly, but the youth also. I give the elderly a helping hand even when they don’t ask. I smile, greet and complement the shoppers at Dollar Tree just to lift one’s spirits. I’m still not exactly sure who I am, but I’m learning daily. I’m far from perfect, but I strive to be more like Jesus every day. Indeed it’s a struggle. But I decline invitations to club parties, and certain events that don’t quite align with my spirit. I’d rather sit at home and watch a Sarah Jakes Roberts sermon, or Listen to Devon Franklin, or Smokie Norful or Yolanda Adams. I’m in a season in my life that disqualifies me from hanging out with everyone. Whether they’re lifetime friends, or my closest family members, or my favorite coworkers. I just can’t afford to go in a direction that God isn’t leading me into. I have anxiety attacks worried about my health and what the doctor report says. But deep down inside, I know God wouldn’t allow me to go into a situation that he wouldn’t bring me out of. I’m learning more scriptures and I try to focus on living by the word. I smile more, I encourage the discouraged, I often feed the hungry and clothed the naked. I try to love the motherless child, for I too was a motherless child. I try to discipline myself as well as my children in areas that we’re weak. Sometimes my vision is blurry, But I pray and ask the Lord to direct my pathway. And he Always leads me from going astray. I always stand up for what I believe in. And because of it, I am hated by some. I’ve lost close relationships due to me standing for what I believe in. I almost lost my mind before BUT GOD kept me. Now does this sum up who I am? Absolutely not, because God is still working on me and designing me to be who I was created to be.